Need more hours!

Some days it feels as though time is just dragging by and I count every minute just waiting for the day to be over. Then there are those days that you just dont feel as though there are enough hours in the day to get everything done.  I am currently having one of those days, although I do admit a lot of it is due to me just putting stuff off and wasting my time doing other things such as posting on here!

Anyhow back to the topic, I had an extremely busy day at work, from the moment I wake up I am just go go go, always something to be done or thought about, I made it home and made dinner which was a slight disappointment ( more on that later), I had loads of stuff to catch up with online, I still have stuff to do and I want to watch I`m a celeb on tv tonight so I need to get it done before then!

The reason I`m in such a rush is I have decided to apply to Uni for next year to do Radiography, so I`m in a major hurry to try and get my application form submitted. This means I have a personal statement to write and if there is one thing I am useless at, it is writing essays, so I`m in a total pickle. I also have to pick my choices and I am utterly clueless about all the Unis in England offering it and the towns they are in, I dont want to apply somewhere and then find out I hate the place.  I have been pondering this decision for a while and Im not sure its really what I want to do, I really dont want to go to Uni but at the end of the course it would be a job with a certain amount of job security, so I figured I may as well pop in an application while I think about it.

I`m  being tempted more and more every day by my eating disorder. Although I did cut out my supplement drinks and stopped trying to gain weight, I still followed a very rigid plan with a good intake to ensure that I didnt lose and also that I didnt screw up my metabolism. My ed now though is saying to me daily but your not trying to gain anymore so why bother forcing yourself to eat something higher in calories, you dont need to do that anymore, its ok to eat things lower.

Grrr, I can just never win, I terrified to gain weight and Im terrified to lose and I`m annoyed I`m maintaining at times. I worry constantly about feeling hungry, I am scared to feel hungry. This sounds bizarre coming from someone who is recovering from anorexia but its like when I feel hungry I dont know how to cope with that, I cant tell if I truly am hungry or if its an emotional thing.  So to stop myself feeling hungry I tend to fill up on lots of healthy options and now I am scared that I have got my body used to expecting always being fed these amounts and frequent meals. How will I ever manage to cope on maybe the same amount of calories but in less volume?

I think I get scared to if I`m hungry, I`ll turn to binging on nuts and stuff. Sometimes if I drop my intake out of guilt I`ll eat some nuts and then that ends up being alot and I feel guilty and the whole cycle goes on again. I`m always so fearful of that and I think thats partly why I am so rigid with my eating, I`m so scared of that happening.

Ugh, I dont know if any of that made sense. I guess what I`m really after is just wanting to get back to a normal relationship with food, how I ever get there I dont know. How do you ever stop counting? Balancing? Pre-planning? It sounds almost impossible!

So now for my disappointing dinner, I finally decided to try my pumpkin. I was a little lost as to what I should do with it. I tried tinned pumpkin once and wasnt impressed but this was a proper one. So I decided to chop it up, blast it in the microwave and then roast it in the oven. I then stir fried some chicken in sesame oil with a mixture of veggies and adding the pumpkin in at the end and covered all in soy sauce.

Hmm, well it looks pretty and colourful! Sounds quite tasty and everything was, I loved the mix of the veggies since I dont normally eat that sort of mixture: cabbage, sprouts, red onion, carrot, leeks etc. The problem was my pumpkin just tasted so, well bland?

I had it sitting in my kitchen for ages so maybe that had something to do with it but overall it tasted really bland. So if anyone has any tips or advice on pumpkins please pass them on!

 

 

Heart Stopping

 

 

I`ll keep this first part brief since I don’t think many of you are wrestling fans but I went to see the WWE on Sunday and OMG!!!!!!! It was amazing!

My seats weren’t as good this time as I was stuck in the middle of a row and that meant I could shoot to the ringside as quick but nothing was coming between me and my wrestlers so with a bit of pushing I made it there!

 

C M Punk and Christian

Look how close I got! Ladies, are you starting to see why I like wrestling so much? 3 1/2 hours of hot muscley men, whats not to like?  

This is the one I REALLY wanted to see though: 

The Deadman himself

 

I have watched wrestling since I was little, I grew up watching this man on tv, he is my childhood idol and to actually see him in REAL life was a dream come true.

 

I was so close to him, he came over to the barrier where I was at as well,  at that point I think my heart stopped!

Anyhow it was a great night overall and I cant wait to go again sometime. Being there made me think about what I am missing out on in life, I`m missing out on having fun. Every day to me is just the same boring ritual and I can’t seem to bring myself to ever let go and have fun, I dont smile anymore, I dont have any interest in anything, I dont look forward to anything, overall I’ve lost the ability to enjoy life.

I feel like I am constantly stuck in the middle, stuck between two people, wanting one thing, feeling another. It’s like with my ed I am not recovered but I`m not desperately ill like I used to be, I can still exist and live a reasonable life as I am, I can work and I can function. Part of me wants to get better and be normal again but then part of me wants to get thinner and sicker. I took a  photo of myself at the wrestling and I just can’t look at it, all I do is look at my face and think my cheeks are to fat and I begin to remember how I had razor sharp cheekbones when I was thinner.

I want to meet someone and have that fairytale romance and fall madly in love and get married but then part of me gets scared at the thought of that, part of me is terrified of getting close to someone. I dont think I`d ever be able to let go and loosen up enough to let someone in, to just let go and have fun with someone, have a proper relationship, I feel so rigid and like an ice queen.

I want to enjoy life and have a job that I love and live in a country I love and do things I enjoy but then part of me worries about the practicalities of life, I need a job with job security so I should go to university and do the logical choice of being a Radiographer. Then I begin to worry even further, I dont want to go to uni, I`m terrified of the thought, of being all alone again with no friends because I just cant make friends, of not fearing I had made the wrong choice and was forever stuck in this career now. Fearing that I`ll be trapped and wont get to achieve me dreams of moving abroad.

Sometimes I think that maybe I think to much?

Sunday was a chaotic day with trying to get things ready for the week and trying to get ready for the show, so I didnt have much time and needed something quick for dinner. Much to my delight last week I stumbled upon some Veg Pots!!!!!!!! Only problem being the shop I got them in is ages away but anyhow I got to try a new flavour for me:

The Mexican Sweet Potato Chilli: This was a spicy veg pot with brown rice, jalapeno peppers, potato, sweet potato, a whole range of beans and lots of other stuff mixed in!

As usual Innocent Veg Pots never fail, this was just delicious! It was pretty spicy compared to their other ranges but then I`m not very good with spicy food so others might not think so. I love how each pot is just packed full with veggies and beans , the only down side is they are all pretty low in protein content so I had a grilled chicken breast with this as well to bump that up. It seems like such a simple recipe, I wish I could re create it because they really are so good!

Well I`m away now to watch some I`m a celeb and see some celebs get tortured in the jungle, night all!

 

Oats-so-licious!

For so long I have looked at the wonderful creations of some fellow bloggers and their oats. One take on the oats I particularly like is the savoury version which Mitri has expertly mastered. I have wanted to try these for so long and today I finally took the step and made my first bowl for lunch.

I have been totally converted!!!!! It was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!

Since this was my first experiment and was a last min decision, I kept it simple. I took some oats and cooked them with tinned tomatoes and then at the end added in some chopped tomatoes, cucumber, spinach and cooked chicken.

I had more chicken but ate it separately.

So yep, I`m definitely a fan of these and cant wait to try some other combinations now!! Thank you Mitri for the inspiration although they arent as good as yours they were pretty good!

I dont really have a lot else to say today, things are just much the same so nothing new really happening. I am looking forward to tomorrow night though because thats the night the WWE come here and I`m going to see them! Its not just any tour either its the Undertaker Rest In Peace Tour.

Yep, thats right, I`m gonna see The Deadman!

 

Therapy of a different sort

I had originally planned to do nothing on Sunday but then I suddenly remembered that Sunday was the day that the Northern Ireland Complementary Therapy and Health Fair was being held in Belfast.  So I packed up some stuff for the day and headed off.

Complementary Therapies are something that have always interested me and I have partaken in a few before such as Reiki and Bodytalk. I actually have had my level one training in Reiki but since it is about transmitting positive healing energy into the body I haven’t really used it a lot since I`m not exactly feeling very positive! It is something I will pick up again in the future though.

The fair was fantastic, there was a brilliant turn out, lots of stalls to see and also various workshops being held throughout the day. There were people selling natural health products, beauty products, food,clothes, jewellery, you could have taster sessions of various therapies such as the ones I mentioned before or maybe have a mini Thai massage.  Unfortunately I didnt get a picture, there were just to many people about for me to get one.

One of the main influences on the fair was angels, there were many people there selling various angel books, cards and also offering readings. I have mentioned before that I do believe greatly in my angels and each and every one of us has one sent to help and guide us through life. I find this a very comforting idea, its nice at times just to think that your angel is always with you and there for you all you have to do is ask it to come into your life and help you. Now I`m not saying you should idolise them and pray to them like God, God sent the angels to help us but not replace him!

Anyhow I walked round all the readers there and the one I wanted to see, the one I felt drawn to wasnt at her desk so I picked someone else who I thought looked good. She began quite well but then attempted to make connection with another person who I just did not recognise and in the end she decided she just couldnt link to me and felt she couldnt continue with the reading! She didnt charge me anything, it was slightly disappointing but anyhow these things happen. So I went to another! I didnt feel any connection to this woman at all and I should have trusted my gut instinct, I got ripped off basically but I did get a little snap shot of my cards:

All looks very promising, if only it would come true! I did years ago see a psychic in Australia who was very good but at the time we were on different pages with our thinking, I would love to find someone like her again.

While there I also picked up a few things, one being this necklace:

I did originally get it thinking it might do one of my sisters for christmas, but I really really like so I might be sneaky and just keep it

Some presents I did pick up though:

An angel calendar, angel book and daily message cards. The book is really nice its got a page for every day, each with a different message and quote, its one of the nicest books I’ve seen around in a long time.

The little box of cards is also great. They come with a little stand and a different motivation message for the day, it will make a great present for someone. The card I particularly like is:

So true, Ellie recently posted on her blog about why she starting reading blogs and what she liked about them. For me I love reading other peoples blogs because I love to see them try so hard and achieve their goals but the thing I really love is the amazing support everyone lends to one another. The support and friendships I have found through this community mean so much to me and in my eyes you are all my little angels

 

Zombie

What a weekend it was… Friday night I came home really tired from work but was determined to stick with my plan in my head and try to make a good weekend. That bright idea didnt last long, that night I couldnt decide what to eat for a snack , eventually decided on something then decided to eat a few soya nuts which turned into a lot and then felt insanely guilty about this. So Sat comes and I cut back here and there to make up for it. I wish I could get out of that pattern. I think Ive managed to get myself back onto track now.

I just feel like  a zombie at times, I just get up, go to work, come home, go to bed and then repeat. I dont have any bright ideas for the future, nothing I`m looking forward to, I dont feel any enjoyment with anything anymore its as though I have lost all ability to feel fun and true happiness, Im just like a zombie.

Last week I did something I havent done in years, I ended up cutting. I never really used to do this except maybe once or twice I did it but I realised at the very start what I was doing and I put a stop to it because I did not want that to become an addictive behaviour for me. For some reason though last Thursday I just felt the urge to do it, I dont know why but I found myself unscrewing a razor just to get the blade out and then just lightly scratching my leg a little, but that little scratch just made me want to do it more and so I cut a bit deeper. Main problem ends up being Im always drawn to my arms but I stopped myself before I did to much, having to a wear a short sleeve tunic to work would cause to many questions, theres only so much I can say my cat did to me. Anyhow back to the point, dont worry I didnt slash myself up just a few cuts that bled a little. Tonight again that urge has just come on me, I dont see why because I cant pinpoint what exactly I get back out of it. In a weird sick way I like looking at what I done afterwords.

I feel as though Im just existing, I wonder at times why God keeps me here, why does he take lives from people who had everything going for them and then keep someone like me alive.

Anyway I guess he must have a reason. Today was a lousy day at work, theres a whole new routine being tested and it ended up with me having a complete change and I can’t even begin to explain it all but it just wasnt good! So needless to say I wasnt feeling up to much when I got home from work so I made a quick and easy meal. I find it hard to believe when people say they cant cook and use that as an excuse because this meal is so simple anyone can do it!

( Picture is lousy, I know I say this every time but seriously I need to work out my settings, I swear my dinner did not look that yellow)

It was whole wheat noodles with a tomato and tuna sauce, garlic, olive oil, broccoli and cauliflower. So simple and so delicious

It was quite a big looking meal but the odd thing is this one never fulls me up as much as it looks it should.

Well thats all from me tonight, I admit Im struggling at the min to keep up my blog, I just feel like I have nothing new ever to say but at the same time I dont want to just update like once every two weeks or something.

 

Guilt

I`m guilty of a lot of things, some of which I can never undo and will haunt me for a long time. These arent all ed related things, I have done things in my past which I am terribly remorseful for, they still come back to bite me now and I pray often for forgiveness for doing them.

I feel guilty about those things, I feel guilty about dropping out from Uni and my course, I feel guilty for putting my family through so much ed wise and now I am still struggling with guilt for my current position.

I thought back to when I was at my worst in my ed and although I couldnt see it at the time it was shocking how bad I let things go, I definitely have made a lot of progress and while I wouldnt want to fall back to as bad as I did get part of me wants to go part of the way there. I feel guilty for saying and admitting this but it does, part of me hops onto the scale and feels a pang of disappointment when it hasnt dropped. I look at other anorexic girls and feel a pang of jealously that they are where they are and that they manage to stay like that, I used to be able to but now I cant, I cant restrict anymore I just get hungry.

I`m surrounded daily by people talking about losing weight and dieting and although this doesnt trigger me it still does make me uneasy sitting amongst it all because none of them realise my problems. Today they were talking about a photo of a girl who was very slim, she didnt have an ed she just was naturally slim and didnt look unhealthy but one of them said and was talking to me at the time, wouldnt it be lovely to be all nice and slim like her, isnt she beautiful. That comment really got to me because I thought to myself,well does that mean you dont think I`m slim? you dont think I`m to thin? Dont you see that I apparently should be gaining weight? It also gets to me slightly at how little people eat, I feel like I eat so much compared to everyone. They come in and havent eaten breakfast then just eat a measly biscuit at break and in the afternoon its either another tiny biscuit or nothing, I feel like I eat loads, I couldnt just eat a tiny biscuit!

I think my ed has a lot to do with my thinking at the moment but really when you are trying to convince yourself to maybe gain weight but no-one thinks you look like you have to, its really difficult. I gained some weight but unfortunately my mind hasnt quite gained with it, I`m still plagued by constant worries about food, wondering what to have, worrying if I have gone over or not eaten enough.

I went into a semi meltdown after work today, I had to go pick up some groceries and I one of the things I needed was peaches. I normally eat a peach every morning with my breakfast but the shop I went to didnt have any, I panicked, I was tired and just wanted to quickly do my shopping and get home but they had no peaches. Any other person would have accepted this and just said ok well instead I`ll a different fruit, but I couldnt rationalise with myself, so I went into complete meltdown and stress over a flipping peach and what to do. I ended up having to drive to 2 others stores just to find my peaches and now my head is splitting from it all. It is so ridiculous how I worry over things like that. I do it every week, be it peaches, what type of cheese to buy, what brand of bread, whether one slice of bread is thicker than the other.

Its just so easy to get wrapt up in all these thoughts.

I made a simple dinner tonight, I popped a piece of salmon in the oven and dried it up  as usual! Along with it I had some buckwheat and peas. I havent had peas in years, I kind of avoid them, but they were really nice for a change.

I then mixed it all up with soy sauce

*sigh* when will it all become normal?

 

Stuck in The Middle

I’m getting worse and worse every week at updating my blog, I do feel bad about it but there are just times I haven’t a clue what to blog about and since I dont cook anything fancy or interesting I can’t really post that up either.

This week things havent really changed,  I`m feeling as though I`m trapped in between two people at war. On one side we have the ed niggling at me trying to remind me of how I used to be and trying to lure me back to it and on the other side we have a little part of me like the one I was when I was trying to recover, this side wont let me fall back into my old ways it instead says thats to dangerous you have to much to lose. So I find myself stuck between the two and its almost as though Ive compromised in a way, I`m not losing weight but I`m not gaining much either. Unfortunately I`m still trapped in the cycle of controlling my intake and trying to balance things, I cut back to try and make up for sometime I think maybe I have gone over and then this leads to me feeling guilty and trying to make up for it and then I end up mindlessly eating something like cereal then regretting it and so then next day I cut back and so the cycle goes on.

I am terribly scared of swinging from one disorder to another, I mentioned this before and it is a huge fear of mine.

Anyway onto other things, I’ve been thinking a lot about my future recently and I`m still totally confused about where I want to go. I know at the end of this job I’d love to just pack up and go to Australia but really once I get there what would I do for work? I have no skills or qualifications and I`m talking about moving to get a proper job/life so the usual backpacker jobs of fruit picking wouldnt really support that.

I love forensics as well but I just am clueless about getting to the areas I want. The forensic anthropology degree would be wonderful and Id love it but at the end job wise things are a bit unstable. The pathology is out the window because of the medicine reason.

So Ive been thinking that maybe it would be logical to go and study Radiography. The course is 3 years and I hate the thought of going to Uni but at least at the end with this course I would have some certainty of getting a job. I know three years isnt long but I just feel like its holding me back even more, I just want to get up and go but for the reasons mentioned above I need to think things through and choose what would be best in the long term.

Ok this is getting into a long and boring post, i`ll leave you with a couple of little eats today:

Fage mixed with wheatgerm, agave and chopped almonds

This is my recent favourite snack, it also goes really well with dried apricots.

Chorizo and three bean soup

Unfortunately you cant really see all the proper bits of the soup but in there was chorizo pieces, haricot beans, black turtle beans, black-eyed beans, tomatoes and onion. With these colder nights starting to come in this was really nice to curl up to and makes a change from my usual bowls of pasta or chicken. Just to up the protein a little I had a tin of crab with this, another favourite of mine

Extra hour in bed night and I think I`ll be glad of it

xoxo

 

Tuna and Tea

It still baffles me how kind and thoughtful everyone here is, thank you all for your lovely words of encouragement and support. I felt guilty after posting my last post and was about to delete it because I worried that I would be viewed as being triggering or not committed to trying to recover just because it wasnt the typical happy blog post you usually come across. I’ve said it before though I just try to keep things realistic but I wont be ranting again like that for a while!

Things are still not going great ed wise, I just feel so trapped and it doesnt matter what decision I make because it never is the right one. I almost feel lost as though I can’t ever see an end to this, I can’t see the end to obsessing over food, constantly feeling as though I need to exercise, balancing what I eat , I just cant imagine life without it. It must be wonderful to be able to just lie about the house all day and still eat normally whereas if I have to sit for any length at all I compensate for it. How to get out of these cycles I dont know, I have tried but they are hard to break. I still havent got my intake back up I can’t bring myself to do it.

Today I was glad it was the weekend, I woke up thinking I`ll do my grocery shopping today but then I had a sudden change of plans and decided I`ll do my groceries tomorrow and I went to Belfast for the day instead. It was quite nice to just go do something different for a change and since I was on my own I had peace just to go to where I wanted and look about without either feeling rushed or feeling like I had to look at stuff in a shop to pretend I was interested. Belfast has improved over the years, it has a long way to go but it has got better than what it used to be.

So I picked up some Christmas presents for myself, yes I must be the easiest person to buy for since I even will buy the present for you! Hehe well I have a whole bunch of photos I wanted to put in an album so mum said she would buy me one as my christmas present so today I picked mine out and got it for her, now I just have to wait until Christmas to get it again! After a little look around the shops I stopped off for lunch, I did take a back up with me but I had planned to try eating out even just buying a prepacked sandwich or something but of course I sat there thinking it would be better just to stick to my safe option and I chickened out. I had the nicest mug of tea though, well it wasnt really a mug which is why I`m showing you the pic:

It came in a glass, well I suppose its like a glass mug but Ive never had tea given to me before in one those, made a nice change . I ended up having this with a salad to which I added my own tuna and sweet chilli sauce.

I also had a nice change for dinner tonight as well, I had some Singapore noodles: ( apologies for poor pics, my camera skills still havent improved)

In there are some rice noodles, chicken, prawns, carrots, onion, cabbage, egg strips and all in a curry type sauce. I’ve never had this before, it wasnt to spicy just right and it was yummy:-)

Little pic on plate

Then again chicken and prawns? Two of my favourite things so how could it not be a winner! I`ll definitely have this again.

Well I`m off to catch up on some stuff I have taped, I try my best to keep up with all your blogs, I am reading! Take care all, xoxo

 

I am…..

I am sick of people viewing me as the incapable one in my family.For years they always have just because I am the youngest. Before I went on my disastrous adventure to uni my granny bombarded me with comments about how I wasnt like my other sisters and how I wouldnt stick it, ok she ended up being right because I quit but not for the reasons she stated.

When I went traveling with my older sister before, I was the one who booked the whole thing, got us to the places, booked rooms in hostels to people who spoke no English, got us on all the trains even though I didnt speak/read the language, ordered everything if we were out but oh yes I am the weak incapable one.

At my old job in the nursing home just because I was shy and quiet I was viewed as being not as capable as the rest, it was always ,oh you cant say that onfront of wee Laura and wee Laura couldnt lift that patient. Yes I could lift that patient if you would give me the fucking chance.

My aunt tonight on the phone was talking about something she said/did to my cousin and then she said but oh I could never of done that to you, you’d die of embarrassment. No I wouldnt have! Then she started on about how chirpy I sound nowadays and how great things must be going for me and how well I look. Yes thanks Ive put on weight, I have a pudgy face and stomach, lifes just wonderful *note the scarcasm*

Work now the same thing is happening, I am being viewed as the shy quiet girl that you must watch what you say/do infront of.

All my life I tried to be someone else, I have tried so hard to break out of this image people seem to have of me. Just because I am shy and keep to myself doesnt mean that I am naive and that I am easily led on, that I will be shocked if you say something rude, that I cant do certain things. I am sick and tired of trying to break out of this image.

I am sick of being me, I am sick of being this weak pathetic person. I hate the fact that I go so out of my way to get people to like me and it doesnt work, I hate that I am controlled by a stupid illness. I hate the fact I was doing quite well with my intake etc and now I`m not, I also hate the fact I havent lost any weight because… sorry if this may trigger anyone…. I secretly want to see the number drop slightly just because some part of me wants to see I *still have it in me*

I wonder most days what is the point, whats the point in getting up every day going to work to come home to go to sleep and then repeat it all again.

This isn’t really a proper post,  I just need to say all, I have much more built up in me but I think Ive said enough.

 

No title

No title for this post because I just cant think of one!

Its been another busy week and work is going ok. I met the other assistant, she popped in to see everyone and is due back the end of the month. Everyone loves her and cant wait for her to come back and I got the vibe from her when she met me of, dont make yourself comfortable because I`m coming back. I dont know how the works going to be split when she returns, Im not looking forward to it anyway.

I havent really posted up much recently partly because I just dont have as much time during the week but also because I still havent managed to get back on track. Last weekend things went downhill a little and since then they havent gone back up, I keep saying to myself tomorrow I`ll change and get back on track but when tomorrow comes I never do. Ive avoided posting because I feel like Im just a major let down especially in the blogging world where there are so many other people doing so well and being really inspirational to others. I dont want to trigger anyone or make someone who is struggling as well struggle even more.

I havent really reduce my food intake but I have stopped taking both my supplement drinks. I just got scared about the weight I was at and how I was feeling and looking. Yesterday afternoon I opened one to drink it and couldnt I just put it down the sink, again last night I took a few sips then I felt that real fear and my ed starting at me, thats just going to make you fat, you dont need to gain anymore, and so it to went down the sink. Although my overall calories have dropped my weight certainly hasnt which has added to misery. Its probably partly due to the fact Im ending up at night eating loads of nuts again, Im in a horrible cycle I think.  Some part of me is actually disappointed that my weight didnt drop and now I`m left worried that Ive just gone and screwed up my metabolism and stuff even further.

So Im sorry for such a downer of a post, I dont even know I should continue while Im like this, Id hate to set people off.

Anyhow I made a rather nice dinner last night:

Chicken korma with rice

I fried some chicken in olive oil, garlic and onion. Then added some broccoli, leeks and cabbage and mixed in some Korma sauce. I had this with wholegrain rice. I`m not a huge curry fan but this was pretty good for a change. The picture isnt great my settings were all messed up.

Have a great weekend all, xoxo