What a weekend it was… Friday night I came home really tired from work but was determined to stick with my plan in my head and try to make a good weekend. That bright idea didnt last long, that night I couldnt decide what to eat for a snack , eventually decided on something then decided to eat a few soya nuts which turned into a lot and then felt insanely guilty about this. So Sat comes and I cut back here and there to make up for it. I wish I could get out of that pattern. I think Ive managed to get myself back onto track now.
I just feel like a zombie at times, I just get up, go to work, come home, go to bed and then repeat. I dont have any bright ideas for the future, nothing I`m looking forward to, I dont feel any enjoyment with anything anymore its as though I have lost all ability to feel fun and true happiness, Im just like a zombie.
Last week I did something I havent done in years, I ended up cutting. I never really used to do this except maybe once or twice I did it but I realised at the very start what I was doing and I put a stop to it because I did not want that to become an addictive behaviour for me. For some reason though last Thursday I just felt the urge to do it, I dont know why but I found myself unscrewing a razor just to get the blade out and then just lightly scratching my leg a little, but that little scratch just made me want to do it more and so I cut a bit deeper. Main problem ends up being Im always drawn to my arms but I stopped myself before I did to much, having to a wear a short sleeve tunic to work would cause to many questions, theres only so much I can say my cat did to me. Anyhow back to the point, dont worry I didnt slash myself up just a few cuts that bled a little. Tonight again that urge has just come on me, I dont see why because I cant pinpoint what exactly I get back out of it. In a weird sick way I like looking at what I done afterwords.
I feel as though Im just existing, I wonder at times why God keeps me here, why does he take lives from people who had everything going for them and then keep someone like me alive.
Anyway I guess he must have a reason. Today was a lousy day at work, theres a whole new routine being tested and it ended up with me having a complete change and I can’t even begin to explain it all but it just wasnt good! So needless to say I wasnt feeling up to much when I got home from work so I made a quick and easy meal. I find it hard to believe when people say they cant cook and use that as an excuse because this meal is so simple anyone can do it!
( Picture is lousy, I know I say this every time but seriously I need to work out my settings, I swear my dinner did not look that yellow)
It was whole wheat noodles with a tomato and tuna sauce, garlic, olive oil, broccoli and cauliflower. So simple and so delicious 
It was quite a big looking meal but the odd thing is this one never fulls me up as much as it looks it should.
Well thats all from me tonight, I admit Im struggling at the min to keep up my blog, I just feel like I have nothing new ever to say but at the same time I dont want to just update like once every two weeks or something.
November 2, 2009 at 11:34 pm
I remember feeling like a zombie last semester when I lived on campus, living away from my boyfriend and my family. I felt exactly like you did: wake up, school work, meals, exercise, sleep. again again again. My rituals magnified, as if they were the only thing that made sense of my day-to-day life. But I knew that, although months must past, that I would do whatever it took to return to living with my loved ones. That’s what was important to me in my future, so I made it through the zombie phase by looking forward to that future.
Try to think of what you do what in your life, what you want to accomplish, what you dream of. It doesn’t have to be something as big as “I want a degree in x.” It can be things like, “I want to take the time to enjoy my favorite hobby more, or to learn how to do something I’ve always wanted to learn like paint with watercolors.” Or maybe you want to visit a certain country some day with your family, so you can start saving money toward that.
Please don’t start cutting
It’s such a destructive habit.
November 2, 2009 at 11:35 pm
sorry typos everywhere x) I meant “Try to think of what you do WANT in your life.”
November 3, 2009 at 3:29 am
“Zombie” is a good way to put it… I feel the same way, it’s like… there has to be more to life than this. Otherwise, well, what’s the point?!
I can understand what you mean about liking to see what you’ve done; it sort of makes what you’re feeling more concrete. I felt that way, still do, but it doesn’t really fix anything in the long run.
Hope you feel better!
<3 <3
November 3, 2009 at 7:36 am
I won’t say don’t cut, because it’s a habit I struggle with myself. But you and I both know that really, this cutting won’t get us anywhere, and is only more destructive to us. Love you, Laura, so stay strong.
Zombie? Snap out of it! (Halloween’s over, LOL) But seriously, I know there is more in life for you, and I hope that you will be able to find it soon.
xoxo
November 3, 2009 at 9:52 am
i think mitri summed everything up really well.
laura you need to realize that there will be no one to get you out of this then yourself! you need to change yourself. your life is so precious and you should not feel like a zombie! you should be happy and enjoying life
take care of yourself please
i know you can do this
xoxo
November 3, 2009 at 9:55 am
I recognize this feelings and I’m so sorry you feel this way. Nobody should, and definitely not you!
I can’t say when and how it exactly got better for me. I think it was a process where I continued doing the right things until I saw the light in all the darkness. Maybe you could think about talking with a professional or taking supplements (the fall/less light won’t help much either), because you so deserve to feel good and beautiful and it brings tears to my eyes reading about you hurting yourself. You can get through this, you’re stronger than you think and I am always there. Sending you lots of positive energy and virtual hugs, take care my love!
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
November 3, 2009 at 6:53 pm
I am sorry you hurt yourself Laura – don’t beat yourself up, it’s a hard thing to resist. Last month I did it for the first time in two years (that was what that first password protected post a few weeks ago was in aid of) – it’s not impossible to avoid giving in but you need to keep such a tight grip on your reasons for not doing it. The problems tend to occur when you can’t see any reason to carry on fighting. Your life is not pointless or worthless, it’s the eating disorder making you feel that way. You are still underweight, you can’t take your mood at the moment as indicative of reality. Being underweight causes changes in your brain that makes you depressed, it’s well documented. Your brain is made up of 60% fat, it’s not exactly surprising. Gaining back to a normal weight doesn’t solve everything, and you might find that you still suffer from anxiety and depression when you get there, but at least then your health wouldn’t be making it worse and you would have more mental and physical reserves left to fight it. Chronic anorexia is no life <3 you are worth so much more than this.
November 3, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Oh Laura I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I’m so sorry your feeling like this, but please please don’t start cutting. You are too special to live like that. And what you said about “why God keeps me here, why does he take lives from people who had everything going for them and then keep someone like me alive.” This is just heartbreaking my love, because you obviously dont see what an amazing person you are. Why not write down a list of all the qualities you have, your talents, your skills… even little things like “I am compassionate” or “I can make really good pasta dishes”
You might think you dont have much going for you, but YOU DO and I wish you could see it. Dig deep down and think about all your qualities that you bring to this world. And like Mitri said, maybe think of a few little goals/dreams for the future. I find it helps to write things down so that you can look back at them when feeling low.
Feel better soon sweet girl.
All my love <3
xo Hannah
November 3, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Hi Laura, I have been following your blog for a while but have never commented that is until now. You see for me the solution to you getting your life back is quite easy. The only medication that you need is called food. From reading your blog I feel that as yet, you yourself do not really want to get better prefering to live, so to speak in, “limbo”. I wish I had the simple choice of recovery that you have. I do not have the choice of recovery as I am currently terminally ill and no medication is going to make me better. If only all I had to do was to take care of myself, nourish my body and brain with the food it needs I would be very happy indeed! Alot of people will disagree with what I am saying and I know that to recover from anorexia is very hard and not just as simple as eating. But enough is enough! Life is worth living! You are the only one who can change the future path and direction of your life for the better. It doesn’t matter what you have done in the past to feel guilty about. Punnishing yourself in this way is not going to solve any problems or make your life better in any way. Laura, you somehow or for some reason have got yourself into this situation and only you have the power to get back out of it again. Please do not be angry with what I have said but I hope hearing the perspective of someone who has at this moment no choices might just help you in some way, i pray. I know you will be able to do this! Take care x
November 3, 2009 at 10:21 pm
I know the ‘zombie’ feeling too
Just going through the motions of a day and the resulting numbness is so damaging…perhaps that’s part of the reason why you felt the urge to start cutting…just to ‘feel’ something, even if it’s pain.
God keeps you here because you are WORTH keeping here, despite what you think of yourself. It’s unbelievably sad that you have such a low sense of self-esteem that you don’t even think you deserve to exist. Hearing you say that is so worrying: please try to see all your positive attributes, your kindness and sensitivity and intelligence, among so many other things.
You do so much for others: your comments are always thoughtful and insightful ~ if only you could apply some of the care you show to others to yourself!
Blogging should never feel forced: it’s an outlet for you, not an obligation.
Please keep fighting
<3
xoxox
November 4, 2009 at 3:04 pm
I have a distinct lack of words going on, but I’m sending love and strength in your direction
xx
November 5, 2009 at 6:23 am
Laura…God DOES have a reason for keeping you alive…and if you really believe that, doesn’t that mean that your life is WORTH it? That it is so precious that God will keep you in this world? That maybe, his work is not done in you?
Please don’t hurt yourself anymore…your body ought to be pampered and treated like the holy thing it is, not berated for eating too much soynuts, and not being restricted of its necessary intake either, and CERTAINLY not to be mutilated!
Please take care of yourself, my dear!
November 5, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Ugh Laura, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have gotten into the pattern of cutting back one day because of something I ate the day before, and that is such a bad habit that needs to stop. That is why my nutritionist is like “JKHUFHGSKJHFQ!!!” because I keep going up and down with my weight. We’ve just got to stick with the plan and remember that the aim is to gain!
My best friend was a cutter and still struggles a bit. This is a very dangerous addiction, Laura… I know you know that but please don’t hurt yourself. It spirals out of control. What starts off as little scratches progresses. Remember how ED started? It is the same thing. You start off by restricting a wee bit, you start to restrict more, and then it progresses. Save yourself, lovie. Do not do this again.
God keeps you here because you are an important life. You have a future and you have things going for you. You are a beautiful girl who has so much to offer the world. keep your chin up.
<3Karina
November 5, 2009 at 9:28 pm
oh the zombie feeling, totally relate.
I’m sorry you’re having a bit of a hard time hun, things will get better though. They always do.
P.S. You are an amazing person with incredibly worth. (Sorry about the cheese factor:) That is why god keeps you hear. Stay strong hun.
Haylee
November 6, 2009 at 8:05 am
I am new to your blog but find it interesting.
I Went through your post and it is not a new thing that you experience. Each and every person working, experiences the same problem.
There was a time when I used to sit idle and watched movies continously one after another on weekends.I felt what a hectic life am I living where there is no fun, I go to office in morning come back late night, then again the next morning… no fun.
I got out of all these jumbling memories when I finally planned to be the old Abhi I was before during my engineering days. What I did was I changed myself to the old boy, always happy, laughing and energetic.
I used to make friends, go out for movies, travelling, I planned tours and arranged guys for it. I made a time table where I had a specific time to eat, to sleep, to watch telivision, to exercise, to work.
This made my life easy and I felt I need more time to live happily. The more I plan the more I was happy.
I do not know whether you understand everything but discipline is an important factor. It has nothing to do with you brush at 7 Am or you bath at 8 Am or twice a day. The main aim is to make your life more stable and neat and max to understand what all you have to do in life.
You can also create friends online, plan to write on something you saw on your way home or to office. Your views on the subjects happening nearby and you are superb writer so everything that comes out will be marvellous.
I hope I did not go too long to be a dictator or a teacher. I went through your article and felt it like something that happened with me before, so gave you a bit of suggestion.
Sorry forget to say, people call me Abhi and I loved your post and writings a lot. You express better and write well.
Continue the effort. Make up yourself to write more each day. You will feel better. The more you engage yourself the more you are out of thoughts.
Sorry to mention but Laura doesnt have worthless words
Idle mind and worthless thoughts are devils workshop, home, playground, school and hotel
November 8, 2009 at 1:40 am
Feeling like you’re going through the motions of life instead of living it is tough. I guess sometimes it’s so much easier to use the physical in order to experience the emotional. I used to hurt myself whenever I felt as if I had so many emotions bottled up inside of me that I couldn’t get out. But I realise that the moment I started to let myself feel again by healing, by talking to my psychologist, by eating right, by treating myself right, I learned to feel emotionally and no longer have to physically hurt myself.
You, Laura, deserve to live a life that is fulfilling but as Neela mentioned, only you can do this for yourself. You have the choice hun and I know you have it in you to keep fighting!!
I’m sending you sunshine and optimism *hugs*
xx
November 9, 2009 at 7:10 am
I just recently found your blog, and wanted to say hi.
Also, please don’t start cutting, I’ve been there, and soon enough it becomes an addiction, quite like ED in fact, and it’s just more secrecy and lies and guilt to have on your conscience.
Anyway, your dinner looks delicious. I’m sending you heaps of positive energy
<3
Amy